The Jessica Journals:

4th week of February 2002: I Get Left Behind

Due to last week’s unfortunate incident, I was unable to attend Thursday night Bible study, and I was very disappointed because my pastor has just started going through Song of Solomon. I would be the biggest fool if I missed a chance to study the lamest book in the entire Bible written by one of the biggest, womanizing jerks in all history.

So, of course, I was all the more filled with anticipation when I finally got to go this week, and I learned something very interesting. Apparently, one of the keys to having a good long-lasting relationship is to know and be content with who God created you as, which, technically, would mean that I’m more marriageable than a vast majority of women--something I can say with all certainty that no one has ever accused me of being.

And, I’m sure that many women are protesting at this very moment. But, there’s no need worry about me up and getting married. because I watched Left Behind.

Oh! Glory of glories! I knew not what heaven was until I looked upon this movie!

Your doom is nigh! I thought I was a Christian. At the very least I thought I knew what Christians were, but after watching that movie I can say with certainty that I knew neither. At the conclusion of this movie, I was seized with the overwhelming need to grab the first Christian I came across, confess all my sins, and accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I’m sure the movie in question is a sign of the Apocalypse, so, logically, if I was watching it I could not be a Christian because I would have been raptured before the Tribulation happened.

However, I realized that if Left Behind was one of the signs of the Apocalypse and I was one of those who had been “left behind”, then there were no Christians to confess all my sins to and learn how to become a Christian from. So, it was useless to try.

But, even as the desire to confess my sins and become a Christian filled me, a darker, deeper, more overwhelming desire filled me. And, since there were no Christian around to lead me to Christ I decided to just run with this desire.

I was Brad Pitt's roommate.  Now I'm the antichrist I suppose that, in all truth, I cannot say this desire filled me, rather it was rekindled and now once more burned bright after many years of being surpressed and lying dormant in one of the bottom drawers of my soul. Once more, I was overwhelmed with the desire to be a melodramatic, over the top villain with a vaguely sinister, unidentifiable Eastern European accent.

I went to the store today and outside were two girls selling girl scout cookies. Girl scout cookies are an American tradition, plus I knew the girls would be heartbroken if they went home that day without having sold very many, so I bought a box of delicious peanut butter cookies covered with chocolate. Three dollars a box. Let me repeat, they were three dollars per box of cookies. And, inside said box were (drum roll)...fifteen cookies. If I do my math correctly, that’s one dollar for five cookies. If that’s not a rip-off I don’t know what is.

Bring me the whateveritis of power! However! If I were a melodramatic villain with a vaguely sinister and unidentifiable Easter European accent I could throw the little girls casually out of my way (or, more likely, have one of my flunkies do that) and take as many boxes of cookies as I wanted for free and feel not even a tinge of remorse.

I have this image in my head of slaves and servants running around doing my bidding. Of being petulant and exacting, killing my chief goombas for the slightest infractions. Of a pathetic alliance of ragtag peons led by the hero of the month launching a hopeless struggle to free the land from my iron rule.

I wear leather; I must be evil And, most importantly, I have an image of me screaming out lines such as “Seize him!” and “I am God!” as I stalk around in black leather. Or, rather, black cotton; leather can get quite hot and sticky. I see myself causing as much pain, sorrow, and suffering as the creators of the Left Behind movie have caused to so many helpless, innocent victims.

How can one think of marriage with such a tantalizing goal dangling in front of one’s eyes?


Copyright 2002 Jessica Menn