The Jessica Journals:

I have been nearly driven insane by the strains of “Shall We Dance” constantly being hummed within my hearing distance. It does not help matters that I’m the one doing the humming. It merely gives me a strong desire to shoot myself instead of someone else. If Yul Brynner showed up and started mercilessly hunting me down I wouldn’t cruelly thrown acid in his face and light him on fire; I’d let him shoot me. Although, before I died I would be sure to scream “I don’t care if you have an Oscar that says otherwise; you were much better in “The Magnificent Seven”!

Yes, dear friends, this week I watched “The King and I”, starring the very cool, very bald Yul Brynner and the very boring, very red-headed Deborah Kerr. I am now forced to ask myself this question: What Was I Thinking?

I suppose it would have helped if I had remembered that the movie was based on a Broadway musical. Stage plays of any kind, and Broadway musicals in particular, are always overly melodramatic and theatrical and, therefore, highly unbelievable. For some bizarre reason that I can’t explain this works on stage, but when it’s put into a movie it just ends up being stupid.

[BEGIN TANGENT] Like in the movie “Dark Victory” (which nobody has seen)...
(Bette Davis realizes she’s going blind and is going to die in a few minutes.)
Bette Davis’ Husband: Yay! I just got asked to give a presentation to a board of highly respected medical personages.
Bette Davis (pretending to not be blind): Oh! That’s wonderful.
Bette Davis’ Husband: Yes, they only meet once a year!
Bette Davis (in spite of her blindness starts packing his suitcase): You have to go. I’ll stay home.
(She continues to pretend she’s not blind and dying, gives a dramatic speech about achieving “victory over the dark”, bustles her husband out the door, then lies down and dies.)
Sob sob everyone in the theatre is touched and deeply moved, while everyone watching on TV rolls their eyes and says “Sheesh! The medical board meets once a year, but you only die once in a lifetime. Which event is more important?”[END TANGENT]

Picture this: you’re the prime minister of Siam. You’ve been instructed to go out to a boat that’s just arrived and pick up the woman who’s going to teach all the king’s children. You arrive at said boat to find said woman dancing around and singing a happy tune extolling the wonder which is whistling.

Prime Minister of Siam (jumping back onto his boat): Row for your lives, lads! She’s crazy!

Or, picture this: You’re a slave in the court of Siam. You’re walking along one day, minding your own business, fulfilling your slavely duties, when you look over to see the King of Siam. So far, so good...but all of a sudden, he breaks forth into song and starts dancing around as he sings about how troubled he is and how life is a puzzlement.

Slave (thinking to self): Great Buddha! Calm...stay calm. Don’t make eye contact...back out slowly.

Needless to say, the slaves might not have been so happy when Yul’s son abolished the practice of having people prostrate themselves before the king and crawl backward on their knees.

I think the high point of the movie came when the king’s first wife was trying to convince Anna to stay at the palace and help the king. Anna doesn’t want to and is rightfully pissed off because the king has been kind of jerky throughout the movie, and, frankly, if he weren’t Yul Brynner, she wouldn’t have tolerated it as long as she did. But, his wife is not about to let Anna go, and to really drive home her argument she breaks forth into a stirring song, proclaiming that, even though her husband’s a jerk, every once in a while “he’ll do something wonderful!”. The music swells so you know these wonderful things are true and just must make up for all his bad actions. “Please, Anna!” we beg. “Stay! Stay at the palace. Don’t abandon poor Yul! He needs you! Stay! Stay! Stay! Stay!”

Back in the real world...If that isn’t the theme song of women in abusive, dysfunctional relationships everywhere then I don’t know what is.

...But, since it’s Yul Brynner we’re singing about, I’ll let things slide a little.

I think the best part of the movie is the big climatic scene at the end, and when I say “best” I mean “worst”. Oh! The drama! Poor Tuptim has been captured trying to run away with her lover. She must be punished, but, of course, Anna wants her to be set free and the king is forced to either be “civilized” as he’s struggled through the whole movie to be and let Tuptim go or give into his barbaric blood and cultural heritage and punish her mercilessly. The drama! Yul even gets to threaten Tuptim with a whip before he runs away overcome with the duality of his nature.

The whole scene reminded me of that Star Trek episode where Kirk and Uhura kiss. Really...our bald hero (Yul Brynner, not William Shatner) spent the whole movie being pleasantly aggravating and now the writers are asking us to believe that he has a deeply cruel and somewhat sexually sadistic streak in him?

Can the wonderful things he does every once in a while make up for this sudden cruelty and brutality in him? Is a puzzlement.

But, for all of that, I really did like that one scene in the movie. You know, that scene that everyone thinks of when they think of this movie. Yes, yes, yes, I’m almost too embarrassed to admit it, but I really did like the “Shall We Dance” scene (even if the song is currently driving me out of my mind). Quite honestly, I hate dancing. It is really the one major form of artistic expression in which I do not engage in any way shape or form. But, if I did dance I’d want to dance like the king of Siam danced in this movie. Simple steps, shoeless, spinning around the room, practically leaping from foot to foot. Dancing as someone who (ostensibly) has never danced before and is discovering something wonderful, new, and exciting. Dancing not to show off, but simply for the fun of it.

None of this nonsensical Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly stuff for me.