The Jessica Journals:

While I was visiting my parents in Wisconsin I had the opportunity to watch “The Man Who Knew Too Much”. I took the opportunity. Filmed in 1934, this movie was directed by Alfred Hitchcock and starred a bunch of people nobody cares about and Peter Lorre.

The problem with watching Hitchcock is that he’s considered a god of the cinema which means people who are into film (i.e. everyone in Los Angeles) jump down your throat the moment you bring up the fact that, for all the good stuff he turned out, a lot of his work wasn’t that great. I could, if I wanted, write out pages and pages explaining in depth the things I find wrong about each an every movie of his I dislike, but I find it much more enjoyable to make short, sharp judgments that allow no room for debate. Of course, you already know my thoughts about “Murder”. “Blackmail” was a boring quasi-talkie that wasted my time. “Vertigo” was overrated. “The Birds” never explained what was up with the birds. The most memorable thing about “Shadow of a Doubt” was the smoke ring Uncle Charlie puffed early on in the movie. (To be fair, that really was a big plus. It was the first time I’d actually seen a person blow a smoke ring.) “Topaz” revolved around a French man.

As far as good Hitchcock goes, you don’t get better than “Rear Window”. “Rebecca” rocked (doubly so because George Sanders showed up in it). I like Claude Rains so “Notorious” was okay. “Psycho” was crazy good. “Suspicion” was all right too, although for the life of me I can’t figure out what she saw in her pathetic jerk of a husband.

And that basically sums up Hitchcock. When the writing is good the movie is good. When the writing is substandard the movie is lame and is only memorable because of the director.

As far as “The Man Who Knew Too Much” went. It definitely had potential, but the execution was lacking. Not enough mystery. Not enough suspense. Plus, I spent the whole movie alternating between rolling my eyes at the shot of all the people pointing at the bullet hole in the window and urging the bad guys to kill the girl (who was a brat of the First Order).

Ah! But wait! Hitchcock obviously wasn’t pleased with this movie either because he remade it in 1956. The remake lacked Peter Lorre, but it starred Jimmy Stewart who reminds me of George W. Bush, so it all evened out.

As far as “The Man Who Knew Too Much” went. It definitely had potential, but the execution was lacking. I spent half the movie wondering how long it would be until the kid got kidnapped and the other half wondering when the mystery and suspense would begin. The kid finally did get kidnapped about an hour into it, but I’m still waiting for the mystery and suspense.

Of course, everybody compares these two movies with each other and there’s a raging debate among Hitchcock fans as to which is the better version. Loving, as I do, Hitchcock movies and adoring him as a cinematic master as I do I thought I ought to add my thoughts to this stymoolating debate.

The Man Who Knew Too Much (1934)

Featured Peter Lorre +2
Featured fat Peter Lorre -1
The kid was a brat -3
The mom kicked major ass +5
The kid didn’t die as she ought to have -2
The dad had an annoying sidekick to help him investigate -2
The sidekick didn’t die and actually helped +2
The bad guys decided that masquerading as a deranged cult would keep attention away from them -1 (for stupidity) +2 (for entertainment value)
Ended with a gigantic shootout +3
The shootout was gigantic but it was kind of boring -2

Total 3

The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956)

Did not feature Peter Lorre -2
Starred Jimmy Stewart +4
Starred Doris Day 0
Featured Doris Day singing -2
The kid was not a brat +3
The kid was not an annoying precocious protégé +1
The kid sang -2
He only did it because it was in the script +1 (what can I say, I liked the little scamp)
Doris Day did not kick ass -2
Doris played an active role in the investigation +3
The bad guys masqueraded as a regular church instead of a deranged cult +1 (for intelligence) -2 (for entertainment value)
The climax featured Jimmy and Doris sneaking into the embassy of a foreign country +3
They were rebellious and cool by breaking the rules and sneaking into a foreign embassy but the climax was kind of boring -2
Caused the song “Que Sera, Sera” to get stuck in my head for 3 days -10

Total -6

Too bad, Doris. “Que Sera, Sera” may have been the biggest selling record of your career but it also caused your version of “The Man Who Knew Too Much” to lose by a whopping 9 points. Now aren’t you sorry that you ever recorded it?