The Jessica Journals:

4th Week of July 2004: He Looked So Much Better With a Few Beers In Me

As I said last week, love is in the air. I only wish I had been as accurate about the smell; however, after considering further developments I am forced to conclude that it smells decidedly worse than smog.

I logged onto the Drudge Report only to gag reflexively when I saw these revolting and unseemly pictures.

I'm no good at being noble.  The little people don't ammount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.Here's lookin' at you.

Thatís worse than the nasty Al/Tipper smooch and only slightly more appealing than the infamous Jacko/Lisa Marie lip-lock.

Mmm. Tasty. Who, pray, does John Kerry think he is? Humphrey Bogart? He could only wish to be half as hot. Evidently, Teresa agrees with me; I canít help but notice she was looking anywhere but at her husbandís wrinkled, shriveled, overly-large face.

And I didn't even take any pills to get it this big. Thereís a reason I dislike Democrat politicians, beyond the mere fact that I completely disagree with every single one of their policies, and it is that they are complete and total posers (or, in the case of John Kerry poseurs). In a way, I can understand that, in the party that gave us both John F. Kennedy and Bill Clinton, male Democrats would feel compelled to prove they also are strong, energetic, masculine and able, at a moments notice, to (vigorously) impregnate the female populace of the United States of America. The result, of course, is that messieurs Kerry and Edwards consider the state of their hair to be noteworthy, and the Democrats whip out t-shirts proclaiming the sexiness of their vice-presidential candidate, and John Edwards uses subtle hand-signs to draw attention to his biggest attribute.

The problem is, this sort of behaviour only appeals to women who are ugly, lonely, weak-willed, and suffer from low self-esteemói.e. women who are already Democrats. And Democrats will vote for Kerry and Edwards whether they are Godís gift to women or not (a fact both the contenders ought to be thankful for), so all of this posturing ends up being useless.

John Kerry seems to be trying to win female voters by passing himself off as the political equivalent of a one night stand. (ďYeah, Iím a dumb, lazy gigolo, but Iím better than that no-good husband of yours and I have nice hair. Vote for me!Ē) Now, Iím not going to claim smart, successful, good-looking women donít have one night stands, but, when they do, they try to make it only last one night, not four years, and they make bloody sure the guy they do it with is actually hot.

Not only does Kerry fail as a one night stand he also falls quite short as a long term relationship prospect. Smart, successful, and confident women look for certain things in men--intelligence, stability, and the ability to provide for them and their future children. Kerry has been on both sides of too many issues to count, he doesn't know what botox is, heís skipped out on innumerable Senate meetings he ought to have gone to, he walked out on his first wife, and now he mooches off his second. If that doesnít make him stupid, untrustworthy, and lazy I donít know what would.

I bet heís not very good in bed either.

George W., on the other hand, is pretty cool, even taking into consideration his less than stunning domestic policies. He doesnít have to try to awkwardly channel dead movie stars because he naturally exudes Jimmy Stewart appeal. Heís got the adorable twang in his voice and the whole affable and un-assuming all-American look to him. Heís laid back and nice and youíd never think of him as someone who would harm so much as a fly, until, one day, someone kidnaps his son and he goes ballistic and manages, without the aid of any sort of official agency, to foil an assassination attempt and rescue his beloved offspring.

On top of that, he has better hair than either of the two Johns.

When it comes down to it, our current President is just plain sexier than John Kerry. I mean, look at these photos. If I had a one night stand with either of them itíd be Dubya all the way. In fact, I wouldnít mind turning it into an eight year affair.

Grace Kelly is hot.My head's not really this big.  It's the camera.  It puts on ten pounds.


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Copyright 2004 Jessica Menn