The music for those old Miss Marple movies was really kicking +2I’m just going to come out and admit it: I’m an Agatha Christie slut. I love her books, and I’ve read enough of them that I’m getting pretty good at figuring out who the murderers are even before Miss Marple and Hercule Poirot do. That doesn’t mean I’d make a good detective in real life, but when it comes to fiction I’m brilliant.
I have not always loved Agatha Christie’s work, and I went so far as to look down upon it; although, I’m ashamed to say, I made that determination based not on reading her books but on watching movie and t.v. adaptations of her work. Miss Marple, whom I first saw in those 60s movies starring Margaret Rutherford, was always pretty cool, but I never much cared for Hercule Poirot, mostly because the plot of “Murder on the Orient Express” was implausible in the extreme, and I can only suspend my disbelief so far.
Now, however, I’ve actually read quite a few books by Agatha Christie so I’m able to reach an intelligent and well-informed conclusion about her detectives.
Miss Marple
Is not senile +2
Is really old -1
Loves gardening -1 (kind of weird) +2 (whatever floats your boat)
Has turned her nosey, gossipy, old-biddy nature to the admirable cause of crime-fighting +1
The music for those old Miss Marple movies was really kicking +2
Margaret Rutherford was really scary looking -2
If she’s in a book there’s a chance Detective Inspector Dermot Craddock will make an appearance +2
Always solves the case before he does -1
Hinted that Dermot and Lucy Eyelesbarrow would hook up +2
I have yet to find out if they ever actually did -3
Murders seem to conveniently happen in her general proximity +3 (for enterainment value) -1 (for suspiciousness)
Total 5
Hercule Poirot
Is not French +5
Is Belgian -3
Was smart enough to correctly solve the “Murder on the Orient Express” +6
That solution was so contrived -2
Refuses to come out of the closet -2
As far as short, round detectives go, Dirk Gently could beat him up -1 (for Poirot, but Dirt Gently gets a +4)
You can piss him off by implying he’s French +1
Is friends with Superintendant Battle +3
The solution to “Dead Man’s Folly” was almost as contrived as that to “Murder on the Orient Express” 0 (because technically it’s the writer’s fault not his) -1 (because the stuck-up little Frog still managed to solve it)
He grows on you +2
Like a cancer -1
Total 7
Superintendant Battle
Is younger than Miss Marple +1
Is taller than Hercule Poirot +1
Has more children than do either Miss Marple or Hercule Poirot +1
Is not as gossipy as Miss Marple +1
Is a good, solid policeman even if he isn’t as smart as Hercule Poirot +1
Is kind of sexy and generally an all around likeable guy +94
Total 99
Hmm. Those results seem a little skewed. Maybe he accomplished what John Kerry is trying to accomplish and won the hearts of the female voters. Let’s hope there was no voter fraud. Do you think I should call in the Supreme Court to make a ruling about hanging chads?