We here at the Jessica Journals enjoy receiving email, and by “we” I mean “me”. I particularly enjoy receiving electronic missives that offer more than a chance to “increase my size”. It nearly goes without saying that, being a self-absorbed artist, I most enjoy receiving fan mail. However, because I am an obscure and unsuccessful self-absorbed artist I have never actually received any fan mail...at least not until now....
I was no little excited when I opened my inbox to discover the following communiqué:
From: Matt Dart
To: Jessica Menn
Subject: From Matt
Hey I dont know you but I was looking at your art and your pritty good, your also pretty yourself you have a neet insight on things as well. Sorry to see that your kerry didnt win, I wasnt voteing for him my self but I think the guys could make a good leader. Well just thought you would like to hear from some one new. Keep drawing.
...Yes, my very first piece of fan mail. Huzzah!.
Where to begin? I am so honored to have this person as my first non-blood-relation fan. The name “Matt Dart” alone places him in the upper escelons of a category of people occupied by such notable characters as Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent, Sam Spade, and Nick Danger. I can picture him clear as day--a yellow fedora clapped upon his head and his square jaw set as he prepares to face off against the criminal elite of Pit City’s ruthless underworld. Who can stand against the man who wields ivory Indian death knives carved by an acient priest of Kali and imbued with all the power of the netherworld?
Of course, it goes without saying that his charm is nearly irresistable. Oh, I knew I was pretty in a vague sort of way prior to this email, but one compliment from Matt Dart: Private Eye and I was ready to rip off my glasses, let my hair down, and jump into the arms of my studly Professional Hero.
And what can I say about his compassionate spirit? As you all know, I was absolutely heartbroken when George W. Bush won reelection. I had been campaigning quite heavily against Dubya and rooting quite strongly for our illustrious Senator from Massachusetts who is not Ted Kennedy, and Kerry’s defeat was more than I could handle. Even counselling sessions with a sex therapist in Florida couldn’t help me and I was this close to packing it up and moving to Canada when Matt Dart’s words of kindness reached across the vast expanse of cyberspace and, like the warm finger of God, touched the core of my distressed and disheartened spirit, renewing my weary soul.
But, let it not be thought that Matt Dart is simply a man of intense courageous, romance, and compassion, for that would be selling him far short. He is also an individual in possession of a sharp and piercing intelligence. I cannot tell you how rare it is that I receive emails in which all the words are correctly spelled. Most of them are riddled with typoes and spelling errors. Few and far between is the person who knows how to properly spell “pritty”, “neet”, and “voteing”. Matt’s proper use of apostrophes and assorted other puncuation also won him my eternal admiration.
I have been writing professionally since I was fifteen and yet in the space of eight entire years I received not one piece of fan mail. But, now, as I look back upon that time, all of my pain, loneliness and struggles seem unimportant, and I must confess that I am glad I waited for the right kind of man to send me my first fan letter.
So, Matt Dart, this journal entry is for you, and I can only hope I have shown proper honor to your spirit of bravery, your passionate nature, your heart of sympathy, and your keen intellect.
I raise a glass and offer a toast. Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.