My Friends and Readers, this week marks the end of the Year of Our Lord two thousand four. ‘Twas a year fraught with pain, struggle, and difficulty. This year the people of this great nation had to soldier through the Kerry candidacy and the release of Spider-Man 2. They had to endure the sight of both Brad Pitt and Colin Farrell in skirts and fend off Janet Jackson’s sexual advances toward the nation.
But 2004 was also a year filled with laughter, joy, and triumph. Ashlee Simpson turned herself into a laughingstock on national t.v. We avoided four screaching years of Theresa Heinz-Kerry as First Lady. We laughed at Bill O’Reilly and turned Matt Drudge into the second most googled male celebrity in the country--if however briefly.
Yes, ‘twas indeed an eventful year, and in honor of the end of the year I think it appropriate to look back upon the months previous and remember the things that touched us, moved us, inspired us, and generally stood out to us over the passage of the days.
Five Things That Made Us Laugh
5. The word “Loofah”
4. Howard Dean’s scream
3. Drudge’s puppet sex story
2. Colin Farrell’s hair in Alexander
1. John Kerry’s candidacy
Five Things That Made Us Cry
5. The dissolution of Creed
4. George W.’s inability to see how destructive illegal immigration is
3. Our Queen of the Damned/Fahrenheit 9-11 movie marathon
2. Bad music
1. Kevin Federline being taken off the market
Five Things That Nearly Killed Us
5. John Kerry’s candidacy
4. Fahrenheit 9-11
3. All those Alfred Hitchcock movies I watched
2. Meat from the ghetto market
1. Spider-Man 2
Five Things That Made Us Roll Our Eyes
5. Michael Moore and his movie
4. Al Gore and his flab
3. Dan Rather and his memos
2. Janet Jackson and her wardrobe malfunction
1. Bill O’Reilly and his loofah
Five Things We Learned
5. Bill O’Reilly is pompous, chauvinistic, and obsessed with sex (although we probably knew those first two already)
4. Michael Moore is a vampire
3. Why Emo is overrated
2. What metrosexuality is
1. You can think Humphrey Bogart is cute and no one cares, but if you think Matt Drudge is hot everyone starts making jokes about him being your boyfriend
As you can see, 2004 was a year of great growth and learning. Let’s hope the next is as beneficial. See you in 2005!
