The Jessica Journals:

Special Feature 2004: A Further Examination of Matt Dart

My dear Readers, it has come to my attention that certain persons who will remain anonymous for the sake of their good name did not entirely understand my last journal entry. Now, as regular readers should know, the Jessica Journals are all about education, and, therefore, I feel now would be a good time to take a break from our busy schedules, sit back in a cozy chair, and review my last blog entry.

The first thing that warrants special note is the fact that Matt Drudge and Matt Dart are two distinct and separate individuals. I realize certain individuals find it difficult to distinguish between the two, but there is a difference. Let me elaborate....

One is a yellow-fedora-wearing fighter of freedom, justice and truth on the mean cyber pathways of the internet, the other is a yellow-fedora-wearing fighter of freedom, justice and truth in the harsh streets Pit City. One wields the Hyperlinks of Power, the other wields ivory Indian death knives carved by an ancient priest of Kali and imbued with all the power of the netherworld. One looks super-cute, the other looks like Warren Beatty.

Hat: cuter. Face: less-craggy. Hat: blinding.  Brain: pritty small.

In the journal entry in question I laud Mr. Dart for possessing four (4) meritorious assets: courage, romance, compassion, and intelligence. The journal entry gains its humor from the fact that, in reality, Mr. Dart’s letter to me displays none of these qualities and I, via the tool of sarcasm, point out that deficit.

Now, I don’t want to give people the wrong impression. I enjoy receiving fan mail, and I certainly don’t want to make a habit of heaping scorn upon those who are kind enough to take time out of their busy schedules to email li’l ol’ me; however, I believe Matt Dart was asking for the derision I showed him. Let us review his email to me....

"Hey I dont know you but I was looking at your art and your pritty good, your also pretty yourself you have a neet insight on things as well. Sorry to see that your kerry didnt win, I wasnt voteing for him my self but I think the guys could make a good leader. Well just thought you would like to hear from some one new. Keep drawing."

Let us ignore, for a moment, the bad “spelling” and the appalling “lack” of proper “punctuation” and focus solely on the “content” of his “letter”. I think we will quickly find that he made several errors.

1. He hit on me in the very first sentence.

Although this could be considered passing top secret intelligence to the enemy, I am going to give you some pointers on how to hit on me.

  1. Do Not Make It So Overwhelmingly Obvious That The Only Point of Your Letter Is To Send Me A Cyber Wolf-Whistle

    If you hit on me in the very first sentence you reveal that, no matter your protestations to the contrary, you really aren’t interested in my art, or my fiction, or my blog. You’re interested solely in a fantasy that exists only in your mind and happens to possess my long hair and high cheek-bones.

    Making news taste better

  2. Make Sure Your Initials Are Not Only “M.D.” But That Your Last Name Has Six (6) Letters and Rhymes With a Tasty Ice Cream Topping

    Matt Dinkle, I’m talking to you.

  3. Remember That Leeway Is Given To Cool Right-wingers

    This includes but is not limited to John Ziegler and Mike Adams.

  4. Although I Said I Was Going To Ignore the Bad Spelling and Punctuation I Can Do So No Longer

    I like smart men. I’d go so far as to say they’re “neet”. I dont want some moron who doesnt know where the apostrophe in “don't” belongs.

That takes me to my second point....

2. So keen was Matt Dart’s desire to hit on me that he was willing to throw away all vestiges of integrity in a feeble attempt to make it appear that he (a) actually read my journal entries and (b) thought I was interesting, even though he (c) hadn’t and (d) probably didn’t.

His letter to me has one glaring phrase that, I think, bears out this assertion. Let us break said phrase down into two sections and examine it more closely.

  1. ”Sorry to see that your kerry didnt win,“

    First off, if he were “my” kerry he wouldn’t have been running in the first place, considering I like to keep my pets inside and out of trouble.

    As people who have actually read my blog for any length of time ought to know, I am a Republican who is completely against everything the Democrats stand for and who quite keenly wanted our illustrious 43rd President to win a second term in office, even though his stance on illegal immigration is completely wrong.

  2. “I wasnt voteing for him my self but I think the guys could make a good leader.”

    Although it might have been possible for “the guys” to make a good “leader” I think it highly unlikely. Even between the two of them Kerry and Edwards didn’t have enough strengths to make one decent, principled, and solid man. Although, if we grafted them together there is a chance that the end result would be better looking than Kerry on his own.

Say it with me, Kerry supporters, 'Blessed is he who mourns.'

I hope that I have managed to clear up some misunderstandings about my previous entry. As I have, in the past, told you all, My Dear Readers, I place a high premium on education and would not want any of you to be left in the dark and dripping Caves of Ignorance...particularly because I have a sneaking suspicion that Matt Dart has carved out his lair there.

Yeaaargh!!!!


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Copyright 2004 Jessica Menn