But one month ago, I was bemoaning the fact that my dear and belovèd sister Rebekah had set her sights upon the one-and-only, ever-adorable proprietor of the Drudge Report. This, as you all no doubt know, was very distressing for me because she was, for all intents and purposes, honing in on my territory. Now, however, a mere month later, it looks as if all has resolved itself, and in a most satisfactory manner.
I would like to claim that this conclusion was due to my crafty wiles, but if I were to be honest I would have to confess that it was more the result of fortuitous happenstance. Only a few weeks ago, I went to the Appleton Public Library and checked out a couple DVDs of that ever popular mystery/crime-solving t.v. show CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. My sister, who watched it with me, was immediately hooked, and I returned to the library with the intention of procuring more CSI episodes to meet her sudden and furious addiction. However, when I arrived the shelves were devoid of any and all CSI DVDs.
“Oh well,” I sighed, then perked up. “They have The X-Files. Maybe she’ll like that.”
And thus it was that I opened Rebekah’s eyes to a world of government conspiracies and paranormal plots and, more importantly, opened her eyes to Fox Mulder and his eyes...his soulful, brown, puppy-dog peepers.
Mainstream society is not ready for the squealing which followed.
“Oh!” she gushed, “He’s sooo suave.”
“He looks so cute in glasses.”
“I love how he looks when he rolls up his sleeves.”
That of course, was only how Rebekah sounded when Fox was alone. When he was with Scully, my dear sister’s adoration was even less contained.
“He’s so protective of her,” she cooed, then went on to sigh, “He loves her soooo much.”
And, when our red-headed heroine was bed-ridden and brought to death’s door by cancer, Rebekah said in tones of hushed awe, “He’s liked an angel of mercy hovering around her.”
Not only has Rebekah taken to providing each and every X-Files episode with a constant stream of squeals, giggles, oos, ahs, and advice shouted at our tall, dark, and handsome hero, but she has also taken to prominently carving “X”s in peanut butter. Beyond that, she has confessed to me that when the school day is long and tedious and she’s not sure she can survive, she thinks of Special Agent Fox Mulder of the F.B.I. and finds a strength she did not know she possessed.
Ever since watching her first X-Files episode, Rebekah has hardly breathed a word about everybody’s favorite trouble-making, fedora-wearing Citizen Reporter. Although the appeal of Matt Drudge’s intense eyes, sexy lips, and crooked chin are hard to combat, Fox Mulder, in all his tall, dark, lanky glory, seems to be doing it. This accomplishment is made even more astounding by the fact that Mulder, who is five entire years older than Drudge, has still managed to make Rebekah fall for him even though my sister is not normally turned on by older men.
I suppose I ought to be annoyed and even somewhat hurt by the fact that my sister doesn’t realize what a good thing she’s giving up; however, I’m too busy thanking God for creating Fox Mulder with such soulful eyes, pouty lips, and wavy hair--to say nothing of a tall and well-built body. Thanks to those features, my sister no longer has designs on Matt Drudge, and I have dodged one serious bullet.
...Though, come to think of it, Mulder is pretty hot, and Fox is one sexy name.
Copyright 2005 Jessica Menn