The Jessica Journals:

It was recently suggested that I possessed a personal character well suited for the perusing of the horror flick The Omen. Needless to say, I was deeply touched by this kind interest in me and my entertainment consumption and jumped at the chance to watch a movie which someone like Mary from Wisconsin recommended so highly.

True to my above stated nature, I tricked my sister Rebekah into accompanying me. I began to feel remorse for my bitter and twisted actions about five minutes into the opening previews when Rebekah whispered, "I didn't like that trailer," and halfway through the movie my conscience kicked in and I tried to alleviate her suffering by giving away the plot....

JESSICA: "Okay, the priest is going to get skewered by a metal rod that falls from the roof."

[Priest gets skewered by a rod that falls from the roof.]

REBEKAH: AAAAAHH!

JESSICA: They're going to get attacked by dogs in the graveyard, but don't worry--they escape.

[Dogs attack]

REBEKAH: AAAAAHH!

JESSICA: The nanny is going to jump out and attack him...now.

[Nanny jumps out and attacks him]

REBEKAH: AAAAAHH!

She did, at least, have the presence of mind to close her eyes during the decapitation scene.

Now, I don't want to disparage Mary from Wisconsin too much, but her taste in movies is, in a word, terrible and I don't think I'll seriously consider any of her future movie recommendations for several reasons.

• She recommended a movie that stars Julia Stiles.

  Is this woman capable of playing even one character that isn't frigid, seemingly stuck-up, and somewhat bitchy?

• She recommended a movie that replaced Gregory Peck with Liev Schreiber.

  Look, as far as manflesh goes, you can have a thin-lipped, bulbous-nosed, weak-chinned piece of space-filler who goes by the nickname "Huggy", or you can have Gregory Peck.

  

• She recommended a movie that makes Catholic Church officials appear to lack even a basic understanding of (1) eschatology, (2) Biblical prophecy, and (3) hermeneutics.

  If there's anything I simply will not tolerate it's Catholic-bashing.

So, what have we learned?

1. I am gullible and trusting.
   
2. My sister Rebekah is easily frightened.
   
3. Remakes are usually disappointing.
   
4. Especially when they star Julia Stiles.
   
5. The word "manflesh" is pretty funny.
   
6. Child abuse apologists have poor taste in movies.