The Jessica Journals:

Now, when last I wrote, I said that I was going to take a break from the whole blog thingy; however, there are certain events which, when they occur, simply demand to be written about, and I have recently experienced one of these of events.

I have finally seen the movie Grendel.

When this movie first aired back in mid January on the Sci-Fi channel, my lack of cable access prevented me from seeing it. Needless to say, I was heartbroken at my inability to watch it because the film in question was written by the great and awesome Ron Fernandez who happens to be a friend of mine.

It's a well known fact that when a friend of yours gets their screenplay turned into a Sci-Fi channel original movie the film is going to be all kinds of amazing. Having said that, I still feel I ought to warn you that this is a movie that should not be approached without the aid of mood altering substances.

Now, the film is called Grendel which gives the implication that it's going to focus on the monster more than on the men fighting him, but this is not the case. The main character is indeed Beowulf, and the movie follows the basic outline of the classic Beowulf poem.

...with a few modern updates.

It was not actually Ron's idea to include an oversized crossbow that shoots exploding laser bolts, but I wish it had been because, frankly, it makes the movie. You can't convince me most movies wouldn't be improved with the inclusion of a medieval warrior who shoots lasers. Braveheart would not have ended with William Wallace's death, and Spider-Man 3 would have been far less cartoony and unbelievable.

At any rate, I think it was a very good thing someone had the foresight provide Beowulf with a laser crossbow because, in the last battle of the movie, there is a moment when it is very obvious Beowulf's sword is made out of rubber. I'm trying to come up with some humorous double entendre involving swords, male genitalia and prophylactics, but it's just not coming together. Suffice it to say, after seeing it flapping around, I don't think he has the most effective sword ever.

Beowulf himself is played by Chris Bruno whom some of you might know from The Dead Zone in which he portrayed Sheriff Bannerman. I don't have a particular problem with Bruno's acting in The Dead Zone, but, for reasons I don't entirely understand, he apparently decided to model his performance in Beowulf after a constipated Charlton Heston. Original? Possibly. Effective? Not the first word that springs to mind.

I wish I could say that my friend's writing was amazing and above average. In fact, my wish is so strong, I think I will say just that.

Of course, just because I say something doesn't mean it's true. If you go to IMDB, and peruse the Grendel discussion board, you will see that many a viewer before me has noticed the bizarrely inconsistent dialogue, which jumps from florid Tolkienesque prose to modern, and even idiomatic, language with nary the blink of an eye.

Beyond that, there were moments of dialogue I found distractingly inept.

It is perhaps an indication that I am petty and, at times, overly observant, but I was struck by the incongruity of a character referring to Grendel's "thirst for flesh".

Am I the only one who realizes that you can have a hunger for flesh, or a craving for flesh, or possibly even a lust for flesh, but you thirst for blood.

And don't even get me started on the time someone said "morning brought mourning". Parts of me still curl up in horror and agony at the memory of that phrase.

The movie had a budget of a dollar and some odd cents, and, from what I hear, one of the producers was a total nutcase, so you ought to know kind of what you're in for.

Grendel has horrible special effects, sub-par acting, and Vikings who have crossbows that shoot exploding lasers. Beyond that, the movie gives me an excuse to (a) get drunk, (b) get hopped up on caffeine or (c) get wasted. When one takes all of that into consideration, Grendel ends up being on of the most amazing movies ever made, and I highly recommend it.