The Jessica Journals:

March 31, 2008: This Edition Of The End Of The World Is Brought To You By Brad Pitt's Roommate

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Tapestry Of Power

It is no secret that I have written but little over the last year. Depression, lethargy, and general weariness have been mine to endure, but last night I attended a local charitable event, during the course of which I discovered that I actually possess readers outside my immediate family. Who knew?

So, in honor of Cathy's husband and anyone else who might possibly be reading, I feel it incumbent upon me to perhaps provide them with a little sumpin' sumpin' to read and (hopefully) enjoy.

Back in the early '90s, Brad Pitt and Gordon Currie roomed together in a two bedroom apartment off Melrose Ave. Brad Pitt went on to become an A-list Hollywood celebrity and have one of the most beautiful women in the world bear his children. Gordon Currie became the Anti-Christ.

There's a moral in there somewhere.

I realize that elsewhere on these pages, I have already briefly talked about Left Behind: The Movie, but that was early on in the history of this website, and I believe that a movie which reaches the heights of amazing wonderment that Left Behind: The Movie has reached deserves a second look-see.

The film takes place sometime in the near future in a parallel universe in which the twin towers still exist, the earth is enduring a world-wide food shortage, and a wormy little man who looks like Kirk Cameron can become an award winning journalist.

I think there's a plot, although as I look back upon it I see less a plot than merely events vaguely strung together for 90 minutes. But, if I had to describe what the movie was about this is how I would do it:

Stonegal and Cothran, two high-powered international financiers, are plotting to take over the world. To further this end, they want to get their hands on the Eden Formula, a miraculous scientific concoction created by an Israeli botanist that causes vegetation to bloom and flourish even in the dry and arid desert. It is truly the answer to the earth's current food shortage, and Chaim Rosenzweig, the scientist who created it, is unwilling to allow anyone beside himself get his hands on the formula.

Not ones to be foiled so easily, Stonegal and Cothran enlist the aid of one Nicolae Carpathia, a 30-something-year-old, very sleepy-eyed United Nations delegate (or something; I haven't actually figured out what he's supposed to be beyond someone who goes around and talks sympathetically to various cameras about the suffering people in the world and the need for peace) who possesses an accent that shifts from one undefined eastern European country to another undefined eastern European country in every single scene he appears in. Apparently he grew up in every single country between Germany and Russia.

For what I assume are libidinous reasons, the entire world is enamored by this Polish-Belarussian-Ukranian-Romanian-Hungarian United Nations heart-throb, and, thus, Stonegal and Cothran set upon him as the perfect good-hearted chump to convince the old Jewish scientist to turn over his miracle formula to the UN. With the backing of the two financiers, Nicolae accomplishes this by promising Chaim that he will broker peace between Israel and the surrounding Arab nations as well as rebuild the Jewish Temple right where is belongs on the Temple Mount next to the Dome of the Rock. Piece of cake.

Through what I assume are the machinations of Stonegal and Cothran, Nicolae, in all his sleepy-eyed, 30-year-old glory, is appointed the new Secretary General of the United Nations, and their plans seem to be going along swimmingly.

Enter Cameron "Buck" Williams, friend of Chaim Rosenzweig, award-winning journalist, and owner of a head of very full and wavy hair, who has spent much of the movie investigating the two villainous financiers. He has figured out that Stonegal and Cothran have lent massive amounts of money to the United Nations and intend very shortly to call in those debts thus bankrupting the UN, allowing them to get their hands on the Eden Formula and with it's aid control the earth's food supply and, as a result, rule the entire world. [insert villainous laugh here]

Their plan strikes me as at least a little hopeful, but I must admit it's worked out well so far.

At any rate, Buck tattles to Chaim, who in turn tattles to Nicolae, who is pretty pissed off to find out how his two would be benefactors are using him. He, Buck, and Chaim go into a meeting with Stonegal, Cothran, and several UN delegates, and Nicolae promptly shoots the two financiers through the head.

Holy crap! Who saw that coming?

It turns out Nicolae is the Anti-Christ and he has weird, superhuman powers he can use to control and mesmerize other people which he quickly utilizes to convince all the other people present that the two bankers killed themselves...all the other people that is, except Buck. After all, he's Kirk Cameron, and if he's wise enough to understand the hidden meaning behind bananas how could he possibly be taken in by the Anti-Christ?

Of course, he doesn't actually do anything. He just walks out of the UN building into the sunlight beyond, leaving Nicolae to rule the world. The movie ends shortly thereafter. Good times.

The film also has some sort of subplot about a bunch of people suddenly disappearing, leaving only their clothes behind. If I remember correctly, it's explained as being the result of the radiation caused by the testing of nuclear weapons. I really don't know what any of that's about. T.D. Jakes actually appears briefly and gives a more thorough explanation, but since I have trained myself to not hear anything T.D. Jakes says I am somewhat at a loss in this instance.

A former Marlboro Man and Calvin Klein model also appears, and the movie follows his journey from cool, sexy atheist to wimpy, flaccid christian. The only interesting thing about this transformation is his startling ability to speak with all the common christianese phrases and expressions despite the fact that he's only been a christian for one day. I guess he's a fast learner.

At any rate, this movie brings up several questions.

The world may never know.


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Copyright 2008 Jessica Menn